did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
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can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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