my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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