I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.