I just pynch a tree in the face
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!