RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
