Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
