Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
