And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
