how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I will be naked everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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