She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
