I cut my penus on the lid.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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