i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
