My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
