i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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