When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
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There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
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i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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