Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
