I like my sex mixed with concussions.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
