I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
