so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
