my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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