It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
