I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wish you could order shots online.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
