Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
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I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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