Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
