remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
