Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
