I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
