She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
