I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
