Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.