After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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