Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
