My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I have aggressive nipples.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
