Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
