bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
