Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
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i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
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library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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