Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
