I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
