i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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