The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
