I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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