spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
