I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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