Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.