plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
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I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
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she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.