Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left