Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
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I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
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I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.