Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
