Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
