fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You know, be my cock's hype man.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
