Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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