I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize