if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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