This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
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Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
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Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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